"What's it like to be in love?"

Thinking back to the summer of 2018, my best friend asked me,

“What’s it like to be in love?”

At a loss for words, I didn’t realize I wasn’t quite there yet.

Looking back on the years that followed, I can say that “to be in love” is an absence of fear. At least for who I was in that moment. Of course, the falling in love part… that’s a scary thing. That’s a dangerous thing. But being in love with you was the easiest, most fearless thing in the world. It’s knowing that the idea of losing the person in front of you would absolutely crush you, and you know this, but you don’t care, because it’s 100% worth it. You have complete confidence it’ll work out.

It’s an absence of doubt.

It’s unwavering loyalty and trust.

It’s the always giving the benefit of the doubt.

It’s peace of mind.

...

Losing it, however, is the worst thing in the world.

The days after, I felt like my heart had broken into a million pieces inside my chest.

I felt broken.

I felt like a shell of a person.

I cried for days… in such a pathetic way.

Depression for weeks following.

It hit me hard.

Slowly, I’m healing…

The smell of lavender, red wine, the way the cold brushes against my cheeks in December, 'New Music Friday' on Spotify.

It’s you.

The autumn leaves, the smell of snow, the sun rays against my skin, hikes on the backtrails.

It’s you.

An empty coffee shop on a Sunday, road trips, Madewell perfume, New York City on Christmas.

It’s you.

I know you still think of me… and find some comfort in that.

My favorite places still feel like you.

My favorite songs remind me of your green BMW.

Memories of your laugh still bring a smile to my face, followed by watery eyes and nostalgia. Then a smile.

I miss you.

I hope you’re happy.

But I can love you from a distance.